


Innocent Until Proven Guilty (I'm Not Innocent)

by livingwithmermaids



Series: Hinting At Something Different [153]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Apologies, Episode: s08e19 Taxi Driver, Guilty Sam, M/M, Purgatory, Sam understands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 06:24:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4511277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livingwithmermaids/pseuds/livingwithmermaids
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam understands why Dean won't talk about Purgatory. Now he has to doing something with that knowledge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Innocent Until Proven Guilty (I'm Not Innocent)

**Author's Note:**

> Season 8 episode 19 Taxi Driver

There were no words to describe the incredible guilt Sam felt. It would be impossible.

Seeing the horrors of Purgatory, hearing Bobby's disbelief at him admitting he didn't look for his brother made all the loneliness and the fear and the shame come back in full force.

When he was with Amelia, the pain almost went away. The gaping hole inhabiting his body was almost filled when he held her in bed, or when he sat with her on the couch. But it was never quiet enough. There would always be little things that Amelia did that Sam would compare to Dean. Dean wasn't nearly as grumpy in the morning, Dean's messes were more organized, his cursive was bigger and he added more loops.

It was ironic; he dated Amelia to stop himself from obsessing over his brother, but he couldn't stop thinking about him. And when he thought about him, he would think about how he didn't have a clue where Dean was and he wasn't lifting a finger to find him, and then he would think:  _What the fuck am I still doing here?_ But then he would remember that it would hurt more if he found Dean dead than if he never found him, so he stayed put.

He knew where Dean had been now. He could only imagine what he went through in a whole year. While his brother was fighting for his life and trying his damned hardest to find him, Sam was laying on his bed drinking beer and wondering while it all went wrong.

"Dean?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry I left you down there."


End file.
